It Breaks My Heart

I used to think that I was alone. Not in any depressing sort of way, but in the fact that while I struggled with the difficulties of my life, I felt like I was the only one having to walk this road, the road I thought was less traveled. Over the past few weeks, I don’t know what it is, but I have been seeing and hearing so much brokenness in this world, that at times I feel like I need to just sit down and breathe. It’s no secret that the world seems to have gone out of control. Terrorists attacking week after week across the world, joblessness, homelessness, innocent kids getting killed in what seems to be a daily dose of gang and teen violence. Is it just me or did the world suddenly make a turn for the worse? I have yet to go through my daily online news routines and not see an article about someone getting killed, or an abduction, or car accidents, drug overdoses, robberies, the list goes on. Believe me, when you have gone through what I have, the negative and the discouraging parts of news media stand out to you. It’s like I look for it. The words “Breaking News” that come flying across the 9 o’clock news channels seem to only tell me that something is wrong in the world, and they have the details.

But do you know what is even worse? Our own community is broken and many of us don’t have a clue. In the last few weeks, I have talked to people who have shared some crazy stuff with me, and also I’ve heard from other people crazy situations that our Indian community is going through. Families that are financially struggling to points where they may lose their homes. Marriages that are falling apart because it couldn’t handle the pressures of life. Wives that were abused by their husbands, but won’t leave because of the kids and what it would do to the “family” reputation. Families that struggled with domestic abuse, physical illnesses, alcoholism, drug addictions, and so much more. When we walk into a church on Sunday morning or hang out with friends, do we even know what’s really happening behind the scenes? Why are we, as Indians, so darn prideful? Why do we think that asking for help or admitting weakness will submit us to a lifetime of shame, ridicule, or pity? We are a broken community and as long as we’re not the ones dealing with it, we continue on with our lives, feeling bad for people but not responding. I used to think that tragedy and hard times only happened to other people. I used to think that all those crazy news reports were about people so far from home. That was until I became one of those “other people.” It all changed when it hit as close to home as it could.

I feel numb sometimes because I wish I could save the world, clearly I can’t. When families are falling apart around me, when friends are struggling with depression, marriage problems, singleness, low self esteem, abuse, alcoholism, and sexual sin, what do we do? I don’t know what the solution is, and I think that’s part of the struggle. All I can hope for is one day all of this will be over, and that we will all find hope in something greater then this fallen world. I have been fighting battles on my knees these days, cause I don’t what else to do. How do you respond to a world that is just tearing itself apart, and a community that is visibly growing weak?

Invest in people. Pray for people. Love People

You and I can’t fix every problem there is, but what we can do is be intentional with even just a few. Look at the circle of people around us, take the time to really dig deep and love someone you know, you may be surprised at what you learn about them, that was never talked about before. People are struggling and we need, by God’s grace and strength, to help in any way we can. Sometimes just being available, speaking truth, checking up, and sharing your own life will go a long way in helping someone through their tough time. Of course just hearing them out is not enough, we have to be a community that prays for people. Even just committing to praying and fighting for, and alongside, just one or two people that we know, can be so powerful. God hears our prayers, and His heart breaks even more then ours do, let’s bring it to Him. Let’s pray that God will restore hope and provide healing for a community that desperately needs it. I know I don’t do enough. I as well have to learn to love intentionally. If I don’t know how, then that has to be my prayer, a change of heart, a recognition of Christ’s love for me, so that I can love others. What are we waiting for?

My Week With Shaadi

Alright, I am completely aware of the fact that many of you are either laughing at this point or in complete shock. =) Trust me, I never thought I’d try it, let alone blog about it. However, I want to stay true to my very first blog, in which I stated that I would be as real and as honest as I could. Ladies and Gentleman, for your reading pleasure, I give you, “My Week With Shaadi.”

How did this even begin? Well, I was talking to a  brother of mine who had recently “profiled it up” via the Indian Connection=) and he was just so excited about a girl he had met online. I was excited for him. I asked him all the questions I had about how it worked, why he decided to do it, and all of that. I’ll be honest, the thought of it was a little unsettling for me. After all, I spent a good part of my life making fun of it, but more and more I have been hearing the success stories, and I started to realize that God could very well bring a person into one’s life through any means, there is no formula for it, and clearly God has brought people I know into a very God-honoring marriage, and it all started online. Now the success stories weren’t enough to get me on it, but what did make me stop for a second and seriously consider it was when another friend said to me, “How do you know your future wife isn’t in another state somewhere, and in your need to stay in your comfort zone, your missing out on opportunities to meet someone.”

What are these comfort zones? Hoping that it would be someone I already know, and better yet, I’m already friends with, so that I don’t have to do this whole long-distance thing and start over getting to know someone new.

Anyway, I decided after some deep contemplation that hey, why not, let’s give it a try. Really not sure how to go about “profiling” or anything like that, but all I could think was, do I have a part to play as I trust in God’s plans for my life? Do I just sit back and wait for Him to just flood my mind and heart with a potential girl, or should I be actively involved in the process? Does my activity mean that I am trusting God less? These were the questions that were on my heart. I compared this whole thing to job searching, maybe it wasn’t the best example, but that’s how it broke down in my head. If I prayed consistently for God to open up the right job opportunity for me, do I just sit back and wait, and continue praying, or does part of the process include me actively applying for jobs? The answer in this case is obvious, but in terms of relationships and the significant other, it isn’t as clear, at least not to me. So with these questions in mind, I said, “okay Lord, I’m going to take a chance here. I’m not sure what to expect or how this is going to work, but I’m going to take a chance.” And with that, I spent 15 minutes of awkwardness filling out a profile.

This all happened about a week ago, and a week later, I have decided to end the experience. I have to say though, it was an interesting week. Before I go into why I decided to cancel my profile, I want to make this very clear. I have nothing against people who use online resources to meet other singles. Like I said before, I know plenty of people who are on it and have met their future spouse through it, so it seems to work out just fine for them. I guess you could say, my era ended just out of preference.

I don’t know why I feel like I am walking on egg shells as I speak about this, but maybe it’s cause I just don’t want anyone to be offended or feel like they are doing something wrong. I don’t think anyone is. The reason I decided to end my time on this site is because the whole process was just too strange and uncomfortable for me. I am all about meeting new people, but it has always been naturally through introduction or just making a new friend at some function. I’ll be completely honest, I felt like I was buying a car. Filling out the profile of what I looked for in a girl, I felt like I was searching for a car, (color, model, make, miles) or in this case, (height, skin tone, religion, etc etc). I felt like I was trying to fit someone into my idea of a perfect girl. On top of that, filling out the profile for myself, I tried to be honest and real, but at times I felt like I was trying to “market” myself. Just an overall bad situation. Now looks weren’t everything, because I closed out profiles of very pretty girls because they didn’t once mention God or their relationship with Him, yet said they were Christian. For me, it is the most important aspect of what I look for in a girl, her active and growing relationship with God.  Anyways, I found myself over the course of the week, building up my ego as I received “interests” from girls online. It was a twisted game I played in my head of how many girls would express interest. I’m an idiot, I know.

So long story short, I just felt like this wasn’t for me. Maybe I’m not giving it much of a chance, and people will have their varying view points of how to go about pursuing this part of life, but for me, I’m going to go back to just trusting God to orchestrate my love story, in His time, in His way. Maybe that way is through the internet, who knows, but for right now, I’ve got peace that I need to stop worrying so much about this part of life and just trust that everything will happen as it should. For a God who has brought me this far into life and has blessed me, how could I doubt that He wouldn’t carry me the rest of the way. He has my life planned out,  I truly believe that, I have experienced that. Besides, I think God knows the type of girl that is going to be a suitable partner for my life. I think He knows that better then I think I do. I’ll just leave  it to Him. Who knows? Maybe a few months from now, my blog could be called, “Back on Shaadi” =)

Celebrating Materialism

I missed my Sunday blog committment for the week, and thought about just waiting till this upcoming weekend. However, with todays date being, 9/9/09 I had to write something special.  This blog wasn’t just a way to share about my life, but also to share my observations of my surroundings.  I know that not everyone will agree with everything I have to say, but on this special day, I decided to rattle some cages and pose this question, are we celebrating materialism?

How did I get to this question? well simply by taking a moment to sit back and watch. Observe conversations and interactions. There is no doubt that technology is changing the face of the way we work, live, and play. Everyday, new advancements are being made, new products are coming to market, and new methods are being created to make our lives easier on this precious Earth. I will be the first to admit that I have greatly benefited from technology, and the thought of it gets me excited. However, I sit here and ask myself when does it all become too much? Where do we draw the line on contentment? It seems like nowadays, people are ready to upgrade and update as soon as they have the opportunity to. Fast isn’t fast enough anymore, and the fear that something better is soon to come, keeps our people nostalgic and desiring to keep up. Whether we realize or not, we celebrate materialism. We take opportunities that we get to discuss the latest trends, purchases, and modifications to our once, simple lives. We want the world to know that we have kept up with the times. There seems to be very little breathing space for someone who has not made, or could not afford to make a purchase of technological significance. Again, I appreciate a good purchase, but does my celebration of a simple cell phone stand a chance against the iphone or other Mac purchases. Trust me, I want it, but why? At what point do we say, “Hey, this is fast enough for my needs, this version is perfect for me?”

To be fair, the same can be said about cars, clothes, etc. I think the difference with technology is that a purchase never seems to be final, it’s just the beginning of a series of short-term relationships and desires for more. A person buys a car and it is very unlikely that they will buy an upgraded car a year later or a better set of designer clothes. What is it about cell phones, computers, programs, applications etc that leave us always wanting more?  The questions are not meant to bring judgment, because like I said, I have found myself to be in that category in some sense. The questions are posed to make us stop and prioritize what we put importance in, what we value. It’s okay to have nice things, but when our efforts and desires are geared more towards having it all, or having the best, we become jaded and don’t even realize it. When our conversations seem to be more about technology then anything else, we have to stop and ask ourselves if this conversation is time well spent.

Here is the truth people, everything in this world will fade. None of these material things are going to bring us any joy or contenment because clearly we always want more, or better. I’m not saying live a simpleton’s life or sell your belongings and move to a third world country. What I’m saying is, from my observations about myself, the world, and people, there is too much emphasis on materialism, and we can spin it any way we want, but that is the truth. We need to take a step back, be grateful for all we have, and stop chasing so hard after technology.  A friend said this to me earlier today when I shared about this topic. He said, “It’s hard when all around you success is determined on what you have.” He is so right. A few other people mentioned to me that the reason they made some of the purchases they did, was because they didn’t want to feel left out. It’s a sad day when a guy without a Blackberry or iPhone or anything else of that matter, feels like an outsider. It’s a sad day when we are so enthralled by our gadgets and gizmos that we forget how to interact with people in person.

“Then he said to them, Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”    Luke 12:15

“Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisified with his income. This too is meaningless.”  Ecclesiastes 5:10

“Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.”  Matthew 6:33

When Friends Are Like Family

I made a commitment at the start of this whole blogging thing to update it at least once a week. I was planning on writing every Sunday, but this past Sunday didn’t happen, so today will have to do.

So this past weekend I was in Houston for a friend’s engagement.  My boy Libu got engaged to this really cool girl from Houston, and about 30 of us took a flight out to participate and celebrate.  I gotta say, it was a quality weekend.  The engagement was nice, the constant intake of unhealthy foods was bearable, but what made this trip special was the company.  There is nothing like taking a trip, large or small, with friends. This weekend I got to spend an entire weekend with friends that are truly like family to me.  I was uploading pictures from the weekend, and couldn’t help but think about how greatly I am blessed.  The constant joke from anyone living south of Gurnee, IL. is how far north we live. Some like to comment about our close proximity to Wisconsin, others seem to think that packing a cooler and booking a hotel is part of the Gurnee experience. Whatever the remarks are, and however much I have complained myself about our commute, I am so very grateful that my parents, along with many others pioneered north to build their homes and raise their families. Just to even out the playing field, I have to add this one theory about the mad influx of indian people who live in Skokie and Des Plaines. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, all the first generation Indians who came to Chicago got out of the airport and decided, ‘okay, I will live here.’  No sense of adventure or exploration, just a desire to stay as close to Ohare International Airport as possible, in case they changed their minds and wanted to head back to the mother land=)  For those who ventured out, kudos to you! Now back to my deep moment…

I have a lot of wonderful friends in my life, and I am truly blessed.  I wish I could dedicate a blog to each of them, to each of you, but then it would just get boring and sentimental=) however, I just felt inspired tonight to write about a specific group of my friends, who are truly like family. Some know us as the ‘Gurnee Crew’ or ‘Those Waukegan People’..but most know as the G-unit =) A group of about, like 20 to 30 of us that grew up together, all our families are friends, and we represent all the major Malayalee Christian churches. It’s like Ecumenical all year round=)  What is special about our crew out here is that we are truly like family.  We fight, we argue, we irritate the heck out of each other, just as siblings would, but we also laugh a lot and have amazing times whenever we all get together, and the inside jokes are endless.  There is no fear to be who you are, no judgement, just people being raw and real.  Sometimes that can be a good and bad thing.  It is interesting because we’re such a different people, different personalities, weaknesses, strengths, goals, purposes, but we make it all work. There is a deep love that runs through our veins.  I’ll be honest, there are times when I feel like I walk alone, but then other times, God reminds me that I have a lot of people worth fighting for.

Over the weekend, a bunch of us decided to buy lottery tickets for the $325 mega million. We all decided to buy our own separate tickets, no pool. However, the amazing part of this venture is that over e-mail we all decided to take care of each other. If one of us won, we would give $1 million to everyone else who bought tickets from our crew. I mean, who does that? Who just willingly offers to hand over a portion of a winning to their friends.  Sure, none of us won, and we didn’t think God was going to just hand over $325 million on a silver platter through gambling=) but just the thought  that we genuinely would’ve helped each other out was awesome..like family, and there is no doubt that each and every person would have honored that commitment.

Anyway, there are so many more things about this topic that I could say, but I’m going to end here.  I am thankful for friends, thankful for family, and thankful for family friends. I have a special place in my heart for the crew, and with that, I know without a doubt that I need to be a better friend, not just on the surface, but in prayer.  I want God to move in our relationships and extend our family not just on earth, but for eternity.

Happily Ever After

There were a bunch of things I felt like I wanted to blog about today, but then I realized that today is my parent’s 30th wedding anniversary! It’s only right that I dedicate this blog to them and of course the topic of marriage.  Now I won’t begin to pretend that I have any experience in this area right now, but I’ve come to learn a few things, just by watching the only marriage that I see in front of me on a regular basis, my parents.  30 years of marriage, it’s an impressive number. Along with that my dad has been working at his current job for the last 20 years. 30 year marriage and counting, 20 years at the same job and counting. Those are some pretty nice statistics.

So what are some of the things I’ve seen in my parents marriage? Well for starters, it is definitely not perfect, as I would assume for many marriages. They fight, argue, disagree, but in the end they always work it out. I’ve never seen a fight last more then a day, they make a scene and then it’s over, like it never happened.  Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if anything ever gets fully resolved, but it seems like either my mom or my dad just decides to let the other person take the win. It seems to work. The other thing I noticed is that their relationship is built on prayer. Since I was a kid, we have had family prayer at the house. I dreaded those moments, and use to pick out the shortest songs, and say the fastest prayers. But I look back on it now, and I am so grateful that they decided to raise their family in that environment.  It really has bonded my family in ways we can’t really understand. It doesn’t stop there. To this day, every morning, my mom and dad pray together.  The rest of us are passed out in the early morning hours, but not my folks, they start their day off at the feet of Jesus.  Of course within the last few years, I know that their morning prayer has  been a cry out for the strength to make it through the day, healing for their pain.  Through my folks I have also seen how much of a blessing it is to have someone there with you to endure life. Individually I’m not sure they’d have the strength to deal with the difficulties of life, but together, by the grace of God, they rise above it all.  I have seen through their marriage, a simple kind of love. They don’t communicate it, or display it like the American culture does, as a matter of fact my folks are very much the typical Indian husband and wife, in a lot of the sense.  However, there is a simplicity to their love that I can’t fully grasp.  Neither of them seem to ever need the other to reaffirm it, it’s just understood. It’s the little things, like the pleasant conversations I’ve seen them have, the jokes they make, the stuff they do for each other around the house.  Something about it is reflected in the simplest ways, but carry much depth.  We used to be a family that celebrated every chance we had,  but these days, I know that when they reminisce about their last 30 years, something, someone will be missed.  Someone, who had a short-lived, but powerful impact on their legacy.

Marriage is a fascinating part of life, I constantly hear couples say that you learn just how selfish you really are.  You begin to understand what sacrificial love is, and you are refined constantly through that relationship.  Those are some pretty intense results of marriage, but I can’t leave out the fact that it also just seems like a lot of fun. Good times, bad times, and all the times in between, the quality of your married life can’t be based on the present circumstances, because we all know that life can get hard. Remember this typical wedding ceremony prayer? (Not common in Indian Christian weddings):

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

We love because He first loved us, and the joy we have in that commitment is what should lead our marriages into…..

Happily Ever After.

The Summer That Got Away

I haven’t quite figured out when I plan on blogging or how often for that matter, but as of this moment, Sunday nights seem to make the most sense to me.  Sunday nights seem to be the only time I can actually sit and breathe. It’s strange because out of the three months or so of this summer, I can only remember a few moments where I had nothing to do, or nothing going on. This summer feels like it just got away from me. From the moment it started, I feel like I’ve been on the move. I wonder even now, what activities have kept me so busy, but it’s all a blur I really don’t know. I just know that it has been a very busy summer. Now that I think about it, it’s been like that for the last 5 years. I haven’t had a lazy summer in so long. I definitely know that part of the summer fun is all the weddings I go to, I just can’t say no=) Weddings are tiring, an all day event, pressure on your checkbook, and I hate dressing up. What outweighs all of that? seeing two people make a commitment before God that they will love each other the way Christ loves the Church and knowing that God is about to start a new legacy in their lives. I can’t wait to experience that one day. Along with that, I love slide-shows, wedding music, dances, watching the groom’s face as his soon-to-be bride walks down the aisle, (Yes, I said groom’s face and not bride=). Oh, and I can’t forget appetizers, pictures, and of course seeing people and catching up with old friends.

So what brought on this sudden digression into the topic of weddings? Well, I attended my last wedding of the summer on Saturday. It was a beautiful wedding with a great couple, and I am so blessed to know them, and to have experienced some quality moments of life with them. Now back to my regularly scheduled program: Where did this summer go!?!

It hit me that the summer of 2009 was coming to an end when I realized that all these kids were heading off to college.  Next week, I’m driving to St. Louis to move my sister back for the 100th time=) I can’t believe how many people that I’m used to seeing regularly will be leaving for school. A new era has begun in so many of their lives, and it’s been almost 5 and a half years since I started that journey, and 10 years since ending my adolescent high school years.

I think back on this summer, although I still have two weeks, I ask myself whether I made this summer count. Did I experience something new this summer? Yes.  Do I have plenty of great memories from the summer? Definitely.  Did I develop new friendships and strengthen old ones? Yup. Did I make an impact in some way for God’s kingdom?  I believe so. Do I know Jesus any deeper then I did at the start of the summer? Questionable.

The summer that got away.

Two Years

It will be a rare thing for me to blog on back to back days, but I couldn’t let today pass without sharing something. 2 years ago, August 6, 2007 my brother was taken to be with the Lord, and every year since, I have been dreading the anniversary days. Around 1:30am this morning, I was lying awake in my bed replaying the moments of that fateful night. I did the same thing last year too. I replayed where I was, what I was doing, how I reacted, who I was with, and everything else in between. That first few weeks after the accident were a blur, but moments of that night are etched into my mind and on my heart forever. Tragedy is a crazy thing because you never really feel closure. It happens so fast and so unexpectedly that there is no time to prepare, no time to respond. Your reality has changed in a matter of seconds and there is no going back.

I realized today, that I have not fully come to terms with my loss. I think the last two years I have done everything to avoid thinking about it. I still can’t talk about him without crying, I can’t see pictures of him or watch videos without feeling like I got the wind knocked out of me. His funeral slide show song, “Beautiful Lord” has been playing in my head all day, I’ve caught myself humming it so many times, bu I still can’t handle listening to that song in its entirety. I miss him so much, and I keep praying that I would never forget the sound of his voice or his stupid cheesy smile. I’ve heard it said that time heals, but to be honest, it’s been 2 years and I’m not healing, what I am doing, is learning how to live with the brokenness, learning how to lean on God. I won’t ever get over it, I won’t ever be “healed” but I know one day, by God’s grace, I will be able to celebrate his life and think of him with joy and not brokenness. I want desperately to live my life reflecting this one thing, “Give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be Your Name.”  Believe me, it is no easy task, especially when I feel like so much has been taken away.  So here I am, an hour short of entering year number 3. I am struggling to find purpose in my life, not in a dramatic, let’s be concerned, kind of way, but in the simple fact that I would really like to know what God has planned for my life, that He has graced me with another year, and what did my brother do that it only had to take 22 years. I have about as much clarity in my life now then I did 2 years ago. I feel lost. All I can think is, God took him and left me for a reason, and it sure would make things easier if I could catch a glimpse of that. I am searching for purpose. I am anticipating a heavenly reunion.

My prayer going into another year of this is that my family would find peace. I wish I could take away all their burden and restore joy in their lives, but I know that I am ill-equipped to do that. So the journey continues. The daily struggles, the questions unanswered, the battle between fighting on and giving up. The latter is a lot easier.

One last thought. I praise God for community. To all my friends and family, to all who loved my brother, thank you for the prayers, the visits, the txts, the calls, the e-mails, the thoughts. God has shown His love and poured out His strength through all of you, in times when I was weak you helped lift me up. Thanks for living this last year with me.

My First Entry

Finally, after many years of thinking about it, and being advised to do so, I have started my very own blog. Soon enough I plan to get technical, purchase my own domain name, and really make this something. For now, to test my commitment, I’m going the ‘free’ route. This blog is meant to communicate all that is in my life, to the best I can. It’s my coping mechanism and a window into my world. I’m not sure where all of this is gonna go, but I promise to be as honest and as transparent as I can. Of course, not everything will be down right serious in nature, but for today, that’s what it is. So lets do life together.

August 6, 2008 I wrote a note, which I posted on Facebook called “From a Brother’s Heart.” Almost one year later, I decided it was only fitting to post that letter again on my new blog. So here it is.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I don’t know what to say to people when they ask how I’m doing or how the family is? I’m at a loss for words when it comes down to blogging or anything of that nature, so with what little strength I have today, I write this letter to my brother, hoping in some way, God will give him a glimpse into my heart.

To my brother Binil:
I sit here, physically, emotionally, and mentally drained trying to put together a few words to express my love for you. When I think I have no tears left to shed, I stop for another minute to wipe more away. I love you more then I have ever told you, and more then I have ever showed. You were my little brother, and I always did my best to protect you and take care of you, and sometimes praying for you was the best way I could do that. exactly one year ago today, my entire life changed, my world went spinning out of control, out of my control. That tragic night, 10 minutes after I heard your voice on the phone telling me that you were on your way, you left me without a goodbye. I knew the minute we got word of the accident, that you were most likely in the car. On our way to the accident site, my heart sunk into my chest like never before, and I knew something wasn’t right. The words, “He didn’t make it” echo just as loud in my head today, as it did that night standing on the that chaotic street, a few feet away from you. I never felt more helpless because I couldn’t do anything for you, I couldn’t do anything to prevent that moment from happening, I was supposed to take care of you, and I couldn’e rescue you from that accident. I relive that moment constantly, and have exhausted myself playing the “what if” game. It is all still very surreal to me, and I wake up every morning wondering if it was all a dream, hoping that it is. But I know that this is real and you have left me, left us, to be with Jesus, and I would never want to take that away from you. An eternity with our Savior far surpasses a lifetime in this broken world, and now I’m starting to think that I’m the unlucky one.

Bin, I am so proud of you, you have come a long way and grown up to be a strong man of God. Watching you mature has been a blessing for me, and I know God heard my prayers. You had accomplished more in 22 years then most people have in their entire lives. I may never understand why things happened the way it did, or why God decided to take you home. In my heart it made more sense to leave you on earth longer and let God do amazing things through you, but clearly even in your death, God is going to be honored and His kingdom will advance. I was waiting to go to our earthly home with you that night, but it looks like you went to our eternal home without me. I love you so much bro, and I can’t wait to see you again, and I know this time around there will definitely be a lot less of us fighting. I always thought it would be cool to watch you get married, and for us to raise our families together, and do all the great things dad and his brothers do even now. Even though I’m not married yet, I want you to know that you will always be my best man. The thought of you still hurts so much, and I struggle everyday to live my life, but I know one day I can look back and celebrate your life, and the way you lived for Christ.

Mom, dad, and Biji are struggling too. We are not the same without you, we are broken people clinging to the grace of God. God has been faithful to us and he constantly shows us just how much he loves our family, but bro, I wish you were here. I never want to forget the way you laugh or the sound of your voice, and we will never forget the impact you made on our family, we are so blessed to have been in the fore-front of your life. Don’t worry about mom and dad, I will do my very best to take care of them and encourage them, I can’t fill the roll you had in our house or in their lives, but I will for sure try. As for Biji, she misses you, she loves you, and you were always good at taking care of her. God has a plan for our family, and through Him we will experience joy, peace, and healing again, but the journey is a long one. God is good man, and we will press on because to live is Christ.

I know you are having the time of your life sitting at Jesus’ feet, save us a seat next to you, we will see each other again.

I love you, I miss you, I am proud of you little brother. One year later, and I want you to know that you are my inspiration, my example, all glory to God.

lovingly your big brother,
Bijoy